The Gap Between "There."

Though I be yet a sophomore, I have learned so much about myself in my time at Northwestern. It's actually borderline unbelievable to think of the difference between Sierra now and Sierra a year ago. Or even 3 months ago. There are certain characteristics, certain inherent traits about myself that have shown themselves to me...thus opening my own eyes to me.

I am a giver. 
I have an indescribable need to fill into someone else what they may be lacking. I help when someone needs to be helped. I encourage without being asked. I go the extra mile for someone else's well-being.

...But, I am reluctant to receive.
I'm not sure if it's because I was taught "giving > receiving," or something else (still learning about myself), but when I am empty...I'm not as open to let someone fill into me. It's tough for me to let someone help me or even offer me advice. Even getting complimented feels weird at times.

I have an immense fear of rejection.
And thus, I limit my efforts to build true relationships with others. But unlike my previous revelation, I know exactly why this is. So many of my close relationships have lost, leaving a terrible aftermath on me. I can think of specific times when I invested my trust into someone, only for them to abandon that trust. My mind, body and soul refuse to allow this to happen again.
*Perfect song for this.

I hope for things that I don't expect.
I really have learned the differences between hoping and expecting! If I meet someone who could potentially be a companion, I'll hope that we develop a bond while simultaneously expecting nothing to go past surface. I hope for people to be there for me as I am for them...expecting the chances of that happening to be slim-to-none. I hope that I can soon throw away my apprehensions and anxieties...but expect to still be in my deadlock for time to come.

Silence, to me, is both comforting and saddening.
How ironic, right? I enjoy my alone time, perhaps more than others do. I'm way more "okay" with sitting in my room alone for hours. Yet...I'm not. While I find serenity in being alone, it also reminds me of my connections with others (or lack thereof). It isn't simply FOMO seeing my other friends* hanging out together, genuinely enjoying one another while I feel like an other.
*Friends is used lightly, as many of my friends only actually know me on a surface level.

And I want to change all of this!!
I see other friendships flourish and turn into clear life-time bonds while I struggle to keep anything substantial. I see the way I emotionally "back up," when I feel myself trusting someone. I see I continue to fake relationships. I see it all. And I'm not okay with it.

But this is the first step: Stepping...jumping (with my eyes closed) out of my comfort zone. Not letting my past depict my future. And opening my heart.